This is why I don’t Bungee Jump.

I found this diagram in the ladies bathroom at church.  I attend an international church.  I don’t mean a church full of Americans who are living overseas. I mean International. All continents, yes except Antarctica, pagan penguins, are represented by more than one family. 

Sunday is a thrill. The cultural mix makes for some interesting dynamics, some painful misunderstandings, some great potlucks. And obviously some great signage.

Some in the church want each person to wear a nametag.  I can see the advantage to this, I mean I meet another Patricia, I am good.  A few repeats and I have it.  But I have some friends that I don’t think I will ever get their name right, even if it was staring me in the face. How do you write a click? We don’t have anyone with a name with a click though. I think I would work on getting that name right, just for the linguistic challenge.

Back to the sign.  I don’t use that bathroom usually. There is a main one on another level.  I did some research.  I sent my son in the men’s room and the same sign appears in there.  Apparently it isn’t a female thing. There’s no sign in the main bathroom. 

Which brings me back to Bungee Jumping.  You see, I think it is done for the thrill. But I look at the person in this picture and think, “That is living dangerously,” especially in Europe, because of our toilet issues. (Notice that I didn’t say problem, this is I guess a sign that our generation is more tolerant. We say, “issue” which means, “problem.”)

Toilet Issue Number One. Toilet seats have a larger penchant here to wander.  This means you sit down facing north, and you may end up facing east. Now if you are really lucky, you will still be facing north. But of course there is the chance that you may be facing up.  I don’t know what it is, but there is an inordinately large percentage of toilet seats that can’t seem to be tightened down. This means that even a basic function requires some caution. (My daughter pointed out that American public toilet seats are horse shoe shaped but we can’t figure out why.)

The second cause for pause, is that most commodes in Austria, Hungary, Germany and a few in Slovakia are demonstrative.  Many have tried to describe the phenomena.  Specimen potties, Display Toilets,  How-Healthy-is-your-

Digestive-System Throne.  For those of you who have been blessed with ignorance, let me explain.  American toilets have a bowl full of water.  Other toilets have a bowl without water, just a flusher. And here, instead of a bowl, we have a shelf and the water flushes. I really can’t be more descriptive. Look it up, the internet probably has a picture. I also have speculated as to what makes a culture think this is a good idea but I won’t do it publicly.  Suffice it to say that I wouldn’t adopt the position in the picture over this area’s toilets.

Some people need Bungee Jumping to give them their thrills. Perhaps others take a unique stand doing their business. I just go to church and enjoy that thrill.

 Oddities Abound

Maybe you think because I work with the church that I love all things related. The truth is I have seen enough religious art to, as we say in my family, gag a maggot. The last visit to the Cathedral changed all that. 

Living in Vienna we have guests come through and enjoy taking them to see our lovely city.  One of the main stops is the Cathedral downtown, a building that is both impressive and lovely, a building with history and passion, a building worth seeing.  Even with all those superlatives, a person can get tired saying the same things, pointing out the same objects, so my daughter took along our tour book and read about it again.  That unearthed the big discovery. 

            “Mom,  it says that in the chapel on the left, the Jesus has a beard of human hair and legend has it that the beard is still growing.”  We hoofed it over to the nook and there hung a human sized statue with a black fuzzy beard.  We wrinkled our noses. Creepy. Ick. Who thinks up this stuff?  Do I want to know?

            We ended up at the Cathedral three days in a row and each time I went over to see the bearded Jesus statue.  A tradition is born, when I go to this church, everyone gets to see not only the Lord of our Toothache, at the same Cathedral, but also the Bearded Jesus.  Now creepy art gets its meaning, humorous entertainment for the tour guide.

            Discussing this creepy side show in a lovely garden over pink cupcakes and raspberry cordial, I began to realize that this isn’t the only strange religious artifact.  Oddities abound and I am now on the hunt for them. They are my new selection of  blog fodder.

            In the same Cathedral we found more relics than any saint had on them personally. Many of these are made with bone fragments, decorated with gold. The most unusual, this trip, is a scapula, aka, hip bone, decorated with Jewels around the edge, lots of them.  I am all for bling, but on an old pelvis?

            Catacombs are always a good source for gross. This cathedral has many of the entrails of royalty submerged in alcohol and sealed in urns, large ones for large people, small for small ones.  Since this has been the practice for the past 700 years, and the technology has changed greatly, it is no surprise that occasionally they start leaking. This is not only creepy, but stinky too. Also in the catacombs are rooms just filled floor to ceiling with human bones.

            Bones in their essence must be creepy, just like the word belly button in its essence is funny.  We went to one church in the Czech republic that was completely decorated with human bones, including the chandelier, and the shields of knights on the wall, giving a whole new meaning to the words, “Coat of Arms.”

            Sometimes the stuff in churches isn’t creepy, just strange. One church here sells holy water by vending machine. I mentioned this as we and walked past the bowl of holy water (free) leaving our Cathedral.  At that same moment, a woman dipped her finger in the water and dabbed it behind her ears like perfume.  Maybe she felt a little stinky and unholy from being in the catacombs. Still, I was glad she didn’t bathe in it, THAT would have been creepy.